Inside Out

I’ve been buying a lot of clothes lately.  Finally hitting “purchase” on the virtual carts I’ve been saving for months.  Browsing a little longer when I’m at the store.  But mostly, a lot of impulse shopping.  This is my red flag . A cue to pause and ask myself: What gap am I trying to fill?

I could say that I’m just filling the gaps in my wardrobe.  Every year, I make a list of things that I want/need (jeans, sneakers, a purse…) and things that I definitely don’t need more of (jackets, tshirts, bags...). It helps me stay intentional with my purchases. Sometimes I stray, and that’s okay.  But the truth is, I don’t really need anything.  My closet is plenty full, and plentiful.  

So it brings me back to the question: What gap am I trying to fill?

The most obvious void is the one my miscarriage left.  Although it was months ago, I carry the weight of it still.  Literally and figuratively.  

Lately, I’ve been feeling uneasy in my body.  Unsure of how to feel about the extra pounds, the extra folds, and extra softness.  Culturally, we’re programmed to wish that all away.  But just a few months ago, I was hoping for all of that - actively looking for any sign that I was still pregnant.  

I found myself eating a little more at every meal, subconsciously finding a way to fill out my belly.  Baby bump, or food baby - I didn’t try to distinguish.  And then I lost the baby, but did not lose the weight. In fact, the number kept going up as the days went by. Stress? Hormones? Habits? I’ve never been one to look at the scale, so this was another clue for me.

I realize now that I’ve been buying new clothes to help me feel good in (and about) my body. I’ve started healing on the inside, and I want it to match what’s on the outside.  Does this mean I’ll stop shopping for clothes? Probably not.  But I will slow down.  And now that I’m more aware, I can address it from the inside out.